| Boo! |
[27 Jul 2004|11:13pm] |
Yeah, I'm back again. amazing isn't it...lol So last week I was doing so much better only to wreck it over the weekend. I'm such a fat loser. Will I ever get the will power back. I miss it so much, the easy ability to say no to things and not really even care. I miss being able to fast for more than a freaking hour! I just suck. Oh and to top it all off I get my period, so now I feel like a bloated beached whale..ughhhh. Well, tomorrow is a new day. and Damnit I'm going to do better. Got to get back in my skinny clothes. I'm sick of feeling like a sausage ready to oozee the fat if you just prick my skin. GROSS. Last night Rod and I were in bed and he was rubbing my back, I asked him how he could even stand to touch me. He got so mad and asked what I was talking about. I said with all the fat all over me, i don't know how he can stand to touch me when I can't stand to feel my own skin. I hate making him mad, but I feel so disgusting I just don't know how he can stand to even look at me. He tells me all the time I am fine and beautiful, I think he is just lying to try to make me feel better. If he is telling the truth, I wish I could just once see what he sees. All I see is and ugly fat girl when I look at me. Blah. Depressing isn't it.
Anywho, spent alot of time packing (when i wasn't stuffing my fat face lol)I got alot done now. Sunday I went shopping for curtains. Hopefully everything will look alright and fit the windows. I forgot to take the measurments with me when I went...oh well. They look like they will fit. lol
Well, I don't know what else to talk about so I won't drag this on any longer tonight.
peace out~
HA
word
okay I am going now lol
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| 7 more days! |
[23 Jul 2004|11:32am] |
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Only 7 days til we move. I am soooo excited. It's going to be so nice to have more room, and the kids will have their own rooms. Going to be great!!
This week has been going pretty decent. My mood is starting to get a little better. I still have moments where I feel like I am sinking. And moments where SI crosses my mind, haven't acted on them just thoughts so far. Food wise, its been a much better week than it has in a long time. I've only had a couple slip ups here and there, but nothing major. No major all day binges or anything so thats much better. I feel like I am actually getting back into restriction mode now. I don't think i have really lost any weight this week, maybe a pound or two, but nothing great. I'm trying not to think about that really yet, just working on being more in control for now, the rest will come with that. Today I am going to go into town and buy some picture frames. got some good ideas for the new place, and I want to start working on them. Plus it keeps me busy, which in return means less time to think about evil food ;)
Better go for now, maybe i will write more tonight.
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| Amazing isn't it |
[21 Jul 2004|04:51pm] |
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I've actually made here twice in one week. Must be some kinda record for me. I'm going to really try harder to be here more often. I know that it would be good for me, in many different ways. I will give it my best. I think the hardest thing about me coming here and writing is that I actually have to talk about myself and things that are going on in my life. Most of the time I don't want to deal with me. I want to fade away and not take up so much room, or be noticed so much, but when I come here...I take up alot of room. I don't imagine as far as being noticed, that doesn't happen here, but still feels that way. I guess its just taking the chance of being noticed, of people seeing a glimpse of the real me. Not the me I work to keep hidden.
This week hasn't been all that bad. I started working out again, so that is good. Now just to get the eating under control completely again. I already at all my allowed amounts today, plus a bit more :( So here it is only almost 5 and I am done eating for the day. I do have a headache, and have had it for a couple days, so at least I have a good excuse when R. asks why I am not eating supper. I can't very well say, oh I ate all I am allowed to already today. Yeah, that would go over REALLY well.
Well, better get off my arse and get something done. Hopefully R. will take the kids out for a swim so I can have some alone time to work on my trigger journal ;)
Laterz~
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| Been awhile... |
[17 Jul 2004|12:03am] |
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Well, just thought I would leave a little note so that people wouldn't think I literally fell off the planet. No such luck for me. I've just been really depressed again, as usual. Nothing ever changes with me. Just read my last entries and I'm still the same pathetic person as I was then, just fatter now. I've got to stop this. I've got to get in control. It's gotten so bad that I don't want anyone touching me anymore, because I am afraid they will feel the fat and be as repulsed as I am. HELP. How can I get back there? How can I find my way back into control. Obviously just starting to fast isn't going to work. Fuck I can't do this right now. Too much going through my head.
Yeah, I'm alive. I'll try to talk more later....
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| Life Sucks |
[30 Jan 2004|06:30pm] |
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I'd be happy if I never had to eat again. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.
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| Once Again |
[28 Jan 2004|12:52pm] |
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So today is supposed to be fasting day. I can't even get that right. I just finished stuffing a hand full of plain popcorn down my throat. I'm a fat loser. I know I shouldn't have tried to fast after all the uncontrolled eating I have been doing lately. Kinda stupid to think I can go from eating everything in sight to eating nothing at all and actually be able to make it all day. Stupid Ass!! At least the day isn't blown. It was only plain popcorn, probably only like 5 cals or whatever since it was air-popped you can eat a ton for hardly no cals. I'm just going to be careful the rest of the day. Probably have soup or something for supper. One day at a time. On a bright note, I did work-out this morning. First time in weeks I have gotten my lard ass off the couch!! Now, just to keep it up!!
Well, gotta go finish cleaning the house now...fun fun
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| Big as a house I swear!! |
[27 Jan 2004|03:19pm] |
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BAH!!! I am so freakin' disgusting. I don't have any clothes that fit my fat ass anymore. Yeah that is bad. I can not believe I let myself think I could eat normal for any length of time and I would be okay. Its not like I really eat normal anyhow. Its always one extreme or the other...binge or no eating at all. I wish I could just be "normal" for a change. Not let food consume my every thought and action. Its either what I'm not going to eat or thinking about what to eat next and then feeling guilty about it. Yeah I suck. I put on a pair of jeans today and couldn't get them over my fat thighs. I am a disgusting pig, there is no denying that anymore. So after that fiasco this morning, I've resolved to go back to my old ways. That's it. I don't care anymore if its easier on eveyone else if I just eat what they want. I'm sick of touching my body and being repulsed by fat, I'm sick of not having clothes that fit let alone to big. So far today I have done well. Had more than my share of coffee but, if it keeps me from eating so be it!! I vow I will be back in shape and skinny again by summer. Because right now I would not be seen in shorts, and just forget the bikini!!
Tonight I am going to use the eliptical trainer R. got me for christmas, and I will use it everyday until I am thin!! No more being lazy and piggish!!
Well since I am at work I better do some work. I just wanted to put this out so I have to stick with it! (not as if anyone reads it anyhow.)
Laterz~
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| Life is endless |
[24 Sep 2003|07:58pm] |
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Uggghhh, I am sick. Not so much physically, but emotionally and mentally. I am sick of everything...fed up. My patience level is nil. I can't tolerate the tiniest little upset. I'm sick of being like this. I'm sick of everything absolutely having to go everyone elses way. Why can't I just stay in bed and let the world pass me by if that's what I want. I'm sick of caring, I'm sick of trying...I'm just plain fed up. And god fucking forbid if something should be bothering me and I actually have the courage to say what is on my mind. Well, no matter what it is its my fault...go take a pill Krista...you need to get a grip Krista. Well fuck that's what I think... it has nothing to do with taking a damn pill or getting a grip. Then he wonders why I don't talk when something is on my mind...well, why fucking bother. I don't need to hear that shit. If you don't like what I have to say take it and walk away. DO NOT fucking tell me to get a grip. DO NOT lie to me then try and back track when I call you on it. I AM NOT STUPID!!!!! So stop treating me like I am. It just makes me want to puke. I am sick of giving and giving and everyone always taking. I know you should give without expecting in return, but HELLO this is the real world and its gets exhausting constanting giving and no one giving anything in return. Oh unless its convient for him...oh sure if HE wants to do something then that's great, but if I want to do something and he doesn't, well then we just don't do it. Doesn't matter that I am stuck in this damn house with these kids day after day...that I Might want to have a little fun. Well that's just too fucking bad. Apparently I am not worth even that. No wonder I have no fucking self esteem, no wonder I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. No wonder I want to fade away into absolutely NOTHING...I am nothing.
well, enough of this for one night...maybe I will be in a better mood another day.
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| Fasting Day!! |
[25 Aug 2003|05:50pm] |
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Well, its almost 6 pm and I am hungry, but will I give in? No, not a chance I made it this far in the day I am not going to be a quiter now! I'll just have some hot lemon water or maybe some green tea and that will help I am sure. I just keep thinking how great it is going to be to be thin again. Today I was standing outside at work, kinda looking in the window at my reflection. I wonder if the time will ever come where I can look at myself and not be disgusted by what I see. Will I ever see myself like others see me? Sometimes I wish I could step out of myself and see me for what I really am. ah well...life with an ed, isn't it fun. :|
R. went to the Dr. this afternoon and we finally figured out what is wrong. He has Tic Douloureux. what that is I'm not really sure. From the reading I have done on it, it's very painful. Something to do with the nerve getting irritated. Unfortunately its the nerve down the side of his face so everything he does is painful. Poor guy. They have him doped up pretty well today. They changed his meds since Friday, and I hope that this time it helps.
Well, maybe I'll add some more later, but now I need to go get something to drink before I mess up and eat some of the kids supper.
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| Just Another Sunday |
[24 Aug 2003|09:09pm] |
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Nothing special to write about today. I have been in a blah mood for the last few days. I don't really know why, there is no reason for me to feel down, but alas I do. We didn't do too much this weekend. Yesterday I cleaned the house and then we went grocery shopping. Got pretty much everything I need for next week, although I would like to go pick up some blueberries and Boca burgers (lovely combo don'tcha think ;) Today we basically did nothing. We drove out to John and Angie's place to see how the house is comeing along then later this evening we went to his parents for a little bit. I would have just assumed to stay home snuggled up in my pj's and watched lifetime or something like that. It was really chilly out today, felt more like fall. When we were driving out to Centerville I was telling R. that it felt like we should be going apple picking or pumpkin picking. I love Fall so much.
I spent alot of time this weekend talking to Marie. I am so glad that we started talking again. I'm finally starting to get back into ana mode really well again. And we both have our goals figured out. Tomorrow is fasting day again and I can't wait! I'm sick of being fat and by christmas I want to be so much thinner. I want all new clothes!! hehe I'm aiming for at the least 120 by December 1st. I really want to get to 110, but Rod is worried that I will go to far. So for now the goal is 120 and we'll see how I feel about myself then take it from there. So right now I am going to find a calender to print out so I can hang it on the wall and keep track of my progress. I think the plan we have going now, is definately going to put us to our goals in no time! We just have to stay strong and keep helping one another.
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| Still Fat... |
[21 Aug 2003|07:43pm] |
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Nothing special really about today. Took the kids to the park like I had planned, and they had a good time. Which I am glad of, I want them to have happy memories of their childhood. Regan has a new friend. So he spent most of the afternoon there playing, at least he is really good at other peoples places so I don't have to worry about him being bad. So Reilly and I kinda hung out together today. I took her across the street to play in the sprinkler with some other little girls.
I fasted today. It went well and all, but I have had the serious urge to b\p the last couple days. Even on the little bits that I have had on the low cal days. I don't know what is up with that at all, usually that isn't something I think about unless I am upset about something. But everytime I eat something the thought goes through my head about how badly I want to get rid of it. Something is going on in my head and I don't understand it at all. No one else probably does either..I'm such a wierdo.
Oh well...tomorrow is 200 cal day. I'll be glad when the pounds start going off fast...
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| Here I Am!!! |
[20 Aug 2003|10:17pm] |
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I know, I know...It's been ages since I have written in here. My life seems so dull to even think about writting for anyhow to read about it. Ahhh well, I guess I'll do it or maybe just make up something interesting. hehe So I have been back from my visit to the states for ohhh what 2 or 3 weeks now. we had a really good time. Of course my mother had to make note that I had gained some weight since the wedding...yea thanks mom. Other than that it was nice, and R. actually had a good time once he got there. There was a couple of times I thought we might have to turn around and come back because of the anxiety attacks, but once he got there he really enjoyed it. Even wants to go back :)
So my friend Marie and I have been doing this new food plan. 2, 4, 6, then fast. So far its been a good week. And tomorrow is fasting day!! yeah, I am looking forward to that. Anything to get this flab off my body. I am so sick of feeling like a cow. My legs are so friggin fat, my boobs even feel heavy. Its awful feeling like this and I want it gone.
There is only a few more weeks of summer left. Its kinda depressing. I feel like other than the vacation to the states the rest of it has been a waste. I got absolutely nothing done that I wanted to accomplish. I didn't lose the weight I wanted to. I don't feel like I spent enough time with the kids doing fun things. I have a couple weeks left so I am trying to do more with them, and I have to really work with them getting them ready for school this year. I don't know...feel like such a failure at everything lately. I'm just wondering when the point comes that you finally feel like your worth it, and good at things. I don't think that day will ever come for me. I guess I need to get more organised and get my priorities straight...but even that seems overwhelming to me at times. I still feel like such a kid, and wonder when I will actually grow up and be an adult. *sigh*
Well I guess that's enough whineing for one night, eh? Tomorrow I fast (we can do it Marie... It'll be soo worth it when we get to our goals) and I am taking the kids to the park for a picnic lunch. Oh yeah a new friend is going too...I hope she doesn't think I am strange for not eating. Oh well, such is my life.
Wake up now, I'm done...:)
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| Today's The Day |
[14 Jul 2003|09:10am] |
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mood |
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determined |
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Well, I have 2 weeks left until vacation, so I am fasting this week (M-F) and then again next week until we leave on Friday. I am determinded. I gained back some of the weight I lost, but I am too scared to get on the scale and see just how much. Probably all of it since I am such a fat greedy cow! Well all that changes NOW!! No food will pass these lips this week!! Marie is going to fast this week also, so I have to stay strong for her too. Back to hardcore we go!! Its the only way I am going to be thin again, so today's the day it starts.!!
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| Lazy Summer Dayz |
[08 Jul 2003|11:40pm] |
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I can't believe I went to all the trouble of setting up a journal and its takes me so long to update. I will have to get better at that. Today I went to the beach with Joey and Naomi and all the kids. What a treat that was...NOT. At least my kids were good, but her kids were driving me mad. But overall it was a nice relaxing afternoon. At least it wasn't too hot today. The kids really enjoyed it and that is really what counts.
I have been such a complete failure as of late. I keep saying everyday that I am going to fast or workout and I end up not working out or binging like there is no tomorrow. I was talking to Marie tonight and that's IT!! I started my fast tonight at 11pm and damn-it I am going to go until at least Saturday morning. I would really like to go longer if I can be sneaky enough about it, then I will do it. I just hate lying and sneaking around Rod. It makes me feel guilty, but I can't stand feeling this fat any longer. None of my clothes from last year fit, and that is truly disgusting. How can anyone gain that much weight in a year?? I am really a pig!!
Well, to a new day and a new beginning. Tomorrow morning I will workout and I am only having water!!! Good-bye fat!!
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| Boring Day |
[02 Jul 2003|10:29pm] |
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A couple of friends have been asking me to start a journal, so here is my attempt at it. Now if something exciting would happen in my life to actually have something of interest to write about that would really be good.
Today was rather boring. Stayed inside all day because Reilly was sick so I just downloaded music and did stuff around the house. Managed to drag my ass to the shower around 3 or so. Then Rod called and informed me that his sister stopped by his work and said we had to go to a bbq for his mom's birthday. That kinda pissed me off. Not so much because I didn't want to go, but more because she never asks me. She'll call and ask Rod (or tell) him what she wants, like I am some incompetent idiot. I don't know, I just don't click with her well at all, so every little thing with her sets me off. She always has to be in control and acts like everyone is not nearly as bright as she is. Well, news flash I went to University too so I am hardly a stupid idiot.
Anyhow...I sucked at my fast today. I did alright most of the day but then at that supper I ended up eating salad and chicken. Yeah that's included on a fast...NOT. Wouldn't have been so bad, but you know how it is once you start eating everything looks good. SO I came home and ate some more. Well, tomorrow is a new day and I'll just start over. At this rate I will never make it to my goal weight. Really I would be happy enough to lose at least 10-15 more this month. One day at a time right?
More of my saga tomorrow....
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